My Hannah Story

When you discharge from the military, they do a screening of your health records. They make sure you are leaving the military healthy and taken care of.  I recall it like it was yesterday, the corpsman said “Where is your biopsy from 2007 and 2008?” I had a blank stare I’m sure. I knew nothing of a biopsy. All I knew was Biopsy means a possibility of cancer.

I’ve had female reproductive issues since I was a teen. Ovarian cysts and HPV in my early 20s. Most people actually have HPV but not very many have the kind that leads to cancer and other complications. They rushed me through a process of testing and threatened that I may not be able to discharge on time. This was my worst fear, I was already enrolled at a University and was anticipating taking my well deserve terminal leave. First I had to have a Colposcopic biopsy, that didn’t work as planned so then I had to have a Endocervical curettage, this is a procedure where they scrap (cringe) to remove the tissue that appears to be precancerous. I was diagnosed with cervical intraepithelial neoplasia 3 which is severe dysplasia. This is the most severe of pre-cervical cancer. All of the tissue was removed and I was discharged but had to follow up at the VA hospital. I intentionally stopped following up. I just decided that If I had cancer God was punishing me.

My thought process obviously wasn’t the best, not only because God doesn’t punish for mistakes in life after you seek forgiveness but also I shouldn’t have neglected my health. I in the back of my head for 4 years knew I could be very sick, but I didn’t check. When you have these abnormalities you’re supposed to get your annual exam twice as often, I didn’t. I just knew that my chances of having children after 6 years of issues was less than 30% of a healthy women. I feel into lifestyle I’m not proud of. Sex, partying, looking for and acceptance all in the wrong places. You see, the military to civilian transition is tough. I went from feeling important and successful to waitress and college student where people yelled me at over french fries and I could work a 10 hour shift but leave with less than $50. I regretted getting out of the Navy and financially could not keep up. I was hardly treading  water. When my utilities would shut off, I would go hang out with my homeless friends in Norfolk and let them serve up a slice of humble pie, a few times I stayed for days and even a week.

All I really wanted was a chance to prove to myself that I can be better than my own mother, I felt like that was taken from me. I also wanted to prove to her I was worth keeping since she easily gave me away at 6 to my dad. Was that the best possible situation for me? YES. But did it hurt and still does? YES.

Fast forward 2.5 years, I am dating this fantastic guy. He was seriously an answer to prayer (by many I’m sure ;) ) Just a few months into our relationship, I found out I was pregnant. Total devastation. What will my Christian friends think of me? My super conservative University? The many young women that have told me they look up to me over the years of serving in the fight against sex trafficking? Well, sure enough many dropped out of my life. That’s okay. I spent my first month of pregnancy depressed, confused and DREADING the first exam in the doctors office because I was so positive they would find cancer or something terrifying. They found nothing. Not a single hint of dysplasia, no cysts… everything was great.

My pregnancy was rough to say the least. Diabetes (found out I was diabetic 3 months before I found out I was pregnant), high blood pressure, pre-term labor, and eventually forced to have a c-section. I knew God was answering my prayer. I knew that He was giving me a gift and that I was not to live that life anymore. I needed to get my health on track, I needed to continue serving others, and I needed to hold up my end of the deal. See, I prayed and prayed for God to allow me to have a child one day. Only one, that’s all I asked for. I promised Him that I would be an example to serve Him and dedicate the baby’s life to service. In 1 Samuel 1 there’s a story of Hannah. Where she promised the Lord the very same thing. I never read this chapter until I was pregnant. It gave me such peace…. I stopped worrying. I felt thankful instead of terrified. Just once verse in the passage says, “I prayed for this child, and God gave me what I asked for. And now I have dedicated him to God. He’s dedicated to God for life”.

Since Evelyn has been born, I have taken her with me to serve. She has been to a low income single mom/ teen mom non-profit, she has delivery diapers and formula to struggling moms. She has went with me to deliver toys to children and today she will go with me drop off Christmas toys and gifts to a few families and a few other places. Does she yet it? Nope. She has no clue what we are doing but I am documenting it and emailing it to her email I sent up for her while pregnant where I write her emails and send her photos and videos.

I want inspire other parents to teach their children from a young age to have a servants heart and be grateful for all they have. We will eventually together sort through her things and donate to kids. We will continue to coupon and use that gifting to donate and help others also. I realize these choices aren’t for everyone. I understand that people think It’s stupid because she is a baby but that’s okay.

Life is good, I am Blessed.  I finished my degree, work is flowing in, and my health is improving daily. My diabetes is nearly gone, my health is improving, financially things are better and actually have savings with her own account.

She is my miracle, she is my answer to pray, and against the odds she is here and daily motivation to better myself.

Merry CHRISTmas everyone.

This is growing up.

The hardest part for me to be a new mom is the fact that my decisions don’t just affect me anymore. I have to think about myself and my daughter but also her father, his family, my family ect. I don’t get to just make a choice for myself anymore. This isn’t a compliant but rather a shift in my way of thinking. I can’t be a gypsy anymore… I can’t avoid commitments like a longer term lease or a utility bill in name.

This is all such a learning process but having a baby girl against the odds and her being healthy is so word it.

What becoming a mother does/does not mean for me

photo 2 (2)

I have no shame in this topic, I feel that certain emotions are natural when going through the biggest changes of my life.

I was looking through pictures from last September when I went to Indianapolis on a whim, booked a hotel room (thanks rewards points) and spent the weekend with a band that I was doing some publicity for at an Irish music festival. Now, let me start off by saying, I made alot of dumb decisions on this trip but that’s not even what looking at this pictures made me think of, these pictures made me think that I will never again be able to travel on a whim, or be around music, or even be able to be “myself” again. I even cried a little… thanks hormones. If you know me you know:

  • I’ve served in the military
  • I’ve traveled the world
  •  I’ve done missionary work
  • I’ve done disaster relief
  • I never ever unpack or “settle” in anywhere
  • I am absolutely positively NOT a 9-5 , American dream, white picket fence kind of girl

When I found out I was pregnant, I had a lot of emotions (like any person). I thought, what are the Operation Blessings people going to think of me? Will I let my dad down? Will Destiny no longer look up to me and think of me as a role model (she’s such an amazing young women). Yes, I felt shame for about the first 2 months I knew I was pregnant and I didn’t tell many people. Partially because I knew I wasn’t even supposed to have kids and wasn’t sure if this baby would actually survive in my messed up body. I’ve had female reproductive issues since I was 17 years old. According to the doctor, my chance of getting pregnant were less than 70% due to my Cervical intraepithelial neoplasia / pre-cervical cancer and human papillomaviruses (80% of adults have HPV by the way, it just doesn’t affect all of them). My biggest worry was, am I going to have to do this alone? So many of my friends became pregnant and the man was less than awesome in their life and either went their separate ways or proved themselves as not fit to be dads. I can say with my whole heart, even though I have been not the best to Adam, he has been the absolute best to me through this pregnancy and believe me I haven’t always deserved it.

 

photo 3

Well it turns out I haven’t heard from more than 1 person on my faith based disaster relief team since announcing my pregnancy, oh well. She was the one that already knew how messed up my past was anyway and never judged. My dad couldn’t be happier to be a grandfather, and as far as I know Destiny doesn’t think any different of me; she still comes to me for advice and she’s surely blossoming into a beautiful young women thats going change the world someday. All my worrying was wasted energy and sadness. Adam has been more than amazing, he’s stuck by me when I haven’t deserved it and we are committed to raising our family together the way we both always dreamed of.

Becoming a mother isn’t a ball and chain. Will it make my lifestyle of thrill seeking and traveling more difficult? Of course it will, but that’s okay. I never turn down a little challenge. Chances are she will have the gypsy gene in her too, I got it from my grandmother. Except hers made her get married 5 or 6 times, mine has sent me to 5 continents.

Becoming a mother doesn’t mean I have to give up my dreams,  It just means I have to include my family in on those dreams.

Becoming a mother doesn’t mean I can’t continue to serve other and be in ministry, It just means I have a sidekick in all of that and can teach my child what it means to truly serve and sacrifice for others.

Becoming a mother doesn’t mean I can’t be successful, my business is better than ever and now I can stay home and raise my baby full time. That also support the fact that I am not a 9-5er, I don’t have to be. I can even be a mommy blogger, lame I know but I love them.

Becoming a mother means that I have the ability to learn and grow with my daugther and be completely honest about my past without judgement or shame because she will not be small minded and judgmental. She will be raised around all types of people, she will be raised to serve others, and she will be held to a standard of modesty and self respect. This might make me boring/unpopular for a few years but when she is an adult she will be just as much of a  moral compass and fighter for what’s right in the world. That is one thing I am sure of.

I will have the best friend I could ever ask for, one that doesn’t choose a reckless relationship or partying over my friendship. I will have the unconditional life I always looked for in all the wrong places, and I will have someone to share my ridiculous stories with of my travels and yes, even my mistakes.

I made an email address for my daughter, I write her often and email her pictures of my life and hers so far. On her 16th or 18th birthday (whichever makes me sense maturity wise) I will give her the password/login so that she can see her entire life in the form of emails and photos.

Becoming a mother doesn’t mean my life is over, really it mean’s it’s just beginning and in less than 2 weeks It’s going to offically begin.

Love,

Jen

10406979_10202908216644781_2429133932197523124_n (1)

 

 

 

Rihanna is NOT a feminist

Rihanna is NOT a feminist

Rihanna made another shocking statement in public, shocker. She attended the CDFA awards covered in crystals and immediately called a feminist but all sorts of media outlets. Headlines read:

“Rihanna’s practically naked dress: Why it could be one of the most powerful feminist statements the pop world has made to date”

rihanna3

But let me tell you, Rihanna is not a feminist. She is quite the opposite, she’s a broken little girl with no self worth that displays her hurt for the world. Another thing you should never consider her is a role model. In her music videos she relates herself to a sex worker in her videos. Her lyrics speaking of being “down with the hoes” and she represents victims of domestic violence that cannot leave their abuser. Rihanna was named by Time Magazine of the top 100 most influential people, this scares me. She made a national statement about her abuser boyfriend Chris Brown and did so excusing his actions and speaking of it as easily forgivable. She even post seductively covered from head to toe in traditional Arabic coverings in complete disrespect while visiting the United Arab Emirates.

Does this look like a feminist to you?

Does this look like a feminist to you?

What about her actions or lifestyle speaking of empowerment? Self respect? Feminism? Rihanna is not a femisist she is quite the opposite. She is a broken young women who is crying for help.  No matter how powerful her statements are, no matter how bold her look is she still objectifies and therefore demeans women by casting them in the mold of a whore. She sends a message to the world with her open leg shots and her hands are covering what most of the world has already seen.

Rihanna smokes marijuana in public and invites disrespect as a women.  Young women are much more impressionable than young men, They want to be Rihanna, have her lifestyle, her clothes, her men, her habits and her money. No matter how talented her music might be and her stand up and be proud of who you are attitude, it doesn’t take away from her total lack of self respect and negligence as a public figure.

rihannapouritup-200x200Like any other female in the public eye, people are always watching and a vulnerable teen is watching even more closely than the rest of us. Rihanna is an entertainer (for adults), not your feminist figure, and certainly not your child’s role model. She is teaching young girls to exploit their bodies and young boys to see women as a commodity, this is called sexual exploitation friends.

1 year has passed…

1 year has passed...

1 years ago yesterday, I survived the widest tornado ever in record book history while doing disaster relief in Oklahoma. I was put in charge of hundreds of volunteers and told to keep them calm and keep them inside. I was so storm on the inside but trying so very hard to be a rock for them. 1 of my volunteers ran out into the storm to hide in a storm drain (later we found over 5 people also did that and an entire family drowned in a storm drain) so I went out to look for him. I could see the tornado a few hundred yards away and I found him safe as we returned inside. I will never forget the 2 years of disaster relief work with Operation Blessing, It changed my life.

My Letter to Men

When a women politely rejects you, you humiliate her. Call her a slut because she has male friends and talk down to her because you’re so insecure knowing she isn’t interested in you. The only time you treat her with an ounce of respect when is when you think you’re getting 1 of 2 things, sex or a relationship. When you realize you’re getting neither you turn into a monster taking every single secret or insecurity you know to hurt her later to come back and start the cycle over. Please, spare her the sick cycle and stop.

This girl, the girl you disrespect and slander; she’s somebody’s baby girl.

You have a routine, go to google, type in something raunchy, watch your free porn that fuels sex trafficking and exploitation of children go your fix of your drug (yes porn is a drug). Then go on your way for your day until you need to take a hit of your drug again, it’s a daily thing for you. These women are wounded young girls, over 90% of them suffered sexual abuse as a child and close to that number are addicted to drugs. They don’t enjoy what you are watching, they hate it. They are actors, miserable in their roles and puke their guts out and curl in the fetal position in the corner between scenes. They are drunk, drugged, and dying. Did you know with every click of the mouse you’re contributing to the buying and selling of children on the internet in various forms of sexual exploitation? Don’t say you don’t know this, the top grossing porn films by AVN are titles like “daddy’s little slut” and other childlike references. The actors are made to look like children and the roles are casted with this intent. You can turn a blind eye but don’t say you don’t know better. Porn is not just entertainment, it destroys families and people’s lives.

You know that porn star that you fantasize about? Yeah, she’s somebody’s baby girl too.

You go to a party, find the girl that seems the drunkest and make your aggressive attempt as seduce her. If she agrees shes a slut and you tell the world. If she doesn’t she’s a slut and aggressively make your attempt again. But it’s her fault right? Because she drank, because what she was wearing short shorts, because she isn’t a virgin- she asked for it right? Because we live in a society in which we teach our daughters how not to get rapped instead of teaching our sons to respect women as a person and not a commodity. News to you brother, if a women get’s rapped it’s not because she was drunk. It’s not because she was high. It’s not even because her outfit was form fitting. You rapped her because you are a rapist. Us survivors of sexual assault will no longer be blamed or feel guilt for your disgusting choices.

This girl, the girl you label a slut and take advantage of, she’s somebody’s baby girl.

Do you have a daughter? Have you ever dreamed of what it would be like to hold your own little girl that crawls into your lap crying over a scraped knee and you’re the only person in the world that can kiss it to make it better? Well, all of these women once were that to someone else, they are someone’s baby girl. Treat them that way.

No one was born with hate.

No one was born a rapist.

No one was born objectifying women.

 

The change starts with you, teach your children the right way to treat others.

 

My First Happy Mother’s Day

For most of my life, I’ve kind of stayed quiet on Mother’s Day or I’ve made jokes about my dad being my mom because he raised me alone. I felt jealous of others with moms and mad at the people that took that relationship for granted because I longed for it for as long as I can remember. You see, my mom choose her husband over me and kept her child with him but gave me away. I was only 5 years old and I can remember sitting on the porch with all my clothes in grocery bags but was not allowed to take any toys, I was waiting for my hero to arrive. My dad allowed me to visit her sometimes through my childhood but something always went wrong and I wasn’t safe so that stopped. As a teenager I was allowed to make my own choice in the matter, I choose not to go back. As an adult I visited her exactly once, when I got home from military boot camp for some reason I was searching for some kind of apology or “I’m proud of the woman you’ve become” words but I got neither and stopped searching for it.

 

Mother’s day has become a sore subject for me throughout the years but I can honestly say that being 6 months pregnant on Mother’s Day gives me a joy I’ve never felt and sometime to truly look forward to. I have a life growing inside me that I will show unconditional love to, a love I didn’t really know growing up. I will give my child the life I always dreamed of, no abuse, no neglects, no social workers and so much love it will be coming out of ears. I can’t be anything but happy about that. I used to fear being a mother, I didn’t know how to. Sure, I’ve had motherly influences (amazing ladies) but there is no real replacement for a mother. I was so scared I wouldn’t a good mom because I didn’t know how to do. I would joke about “well at least I know what not to do”, but I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel like I’m going to be an amazing mom.  I will do anything for my child, I WILL stand up for my child whether that mean in court or to a bully. I will teach my child how to take care of itself in a healthy way, I will not have an addiction that is more important than my child, and I will never choose a man I barley know over my child, I will be my child’s rock and biggest supporter. I will be the mom I always wanted.

This Mother’s Day, I don’t need a gift because the gift is already growing inside of me. From a girl that was told in her early adulthood that she had a 70% less chance of having children than other women and has 7 years full of female reproductive problems… I am excited and I am blessed.

 

Happy Mother’s Day.

 

Love,

Jen
10156038_10152369764068088_4112306463932223968_n